Early Signs Of Passive Suicide Ideation
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Date: 2024-03-01
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Comments and reviews: 19
androgynylunacy
My life has been nothing but enjoying dark content and in my writing. I've had thoughts of ending it since I was 10 and life only became more shitty into teenage years, young adulthood and not getting any better at 36, really. I have showered once or twice a week, when it is really bad once every two weeks, for years now.
But it doesn't seem worth wasting time on.
I found my kids to live for having my first at 29, though.
Some people with passive suicidal ideation have to keep living because they feel a sense of responsibility that keeps them going.
Like you have to take care of an animal or children or your elderly parents or a family member a creature less capable than yourself.
My kids will probably end up hating me, and I am probably going to off myself when they're adults. If not, die from some disease before then.
And that's something that won't get anyone who feels that way about their kids growing sent to the hospital. No plan besides when and even when is blurry because you have a small sliver of hope that you will truly have a decent and meaningful relationship with them when they become adults.
I just hope they don't end up as troubled as I am, and I can die happy knowing they're okay. At this point, I just want to die feeling some relief that my kids will be alright and I didn't eff them up completely.
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My life has been nothing but enjoying dark content and in my writing. I've had thoughts of ending it since I was 10 and life only became more shitty into teenage years, young adulthood and not getting any better at 36, really. I have showered once or twice a week, when it is really bad once every two weeks, for years now.
But it doesn't seem worth wasting time on.
I found my kids to live for having my first at 29, though.
Some people with passive suicidal ideation have to keep living because they feel a sense of responsibility that keeps them going.
Like you have to take care of an animal or children or your elderly parents or a family member a creature less capable than yourself.
My kids will probably end up hating me, and I am probably going to off myself when they're adults. If not, die from some disease before then.
And that's something that won't get anyone who feels that way about their kids growing sent to the hospital. No plan besides when and even when is blurry because you have a small sliver of hope that you will truly have a decent and meaningful relationship with them when they become adults.
I just hope they don't end up as troubled as I am, and I can die happy knowing they're okay. At this point, I just want to die feeling some relief that my kids will be alright and I didn't eff them up completely.
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tehlulzpare
I honestly got enough therapy to treat this, as the call of the void problem has been. kinda a thing for my entire life.
I’ve got it down to a acknowledge, rationalize, dismiss routine.
It’s. somewhat exhausting But I’m basically choosing to live out of spite; I’m not letting intrusive suicidal thoughts win haha. I’ve gotten this far, Death will have to work for it.
But I like darker media, music, melancholy. The irony is that I’m optimistic on the whole, and it’s not even a front. But I’m an idealist in a world where ideals increasingly are a detriment. I’m harder on myself as a consequence, punishing myself for perceived moral failures that most won’t think twice by.
But advantages I’m living much more consciously day to day. I choose life, day to day. Everything I do, I do with intent and meaning. You’re much more thankful for what you have when you force yourself to admit things aren’t as bad as you think they are.
People rarely suspect this, now. Only a few people guess that I’m actually a lot more introspective and dour then I let on, as my cheery, sales guy front is incredibly effective.
But yeah. passive thoughts like this can be tiresome. It takes work to beat them.
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I honestly got enough therapy to treat this, as the call of the void problem has been. kinda a thing for my entire life.
I’ve got it down to a acknowledge, rationalize, dismiss routine.
It’s. somewhat exhausting But I’m basically choosing to live out of spite; I’m not letting intrusive suicidal thoughts win haha. I’ve gotten this far, Death will have to work for it.
But I like darker media, music, melancholy. The irony is that I’m optimistic on the whole, and it’s not even a front. But I’m an idealist in a world where ideals increasingly are a detriment. I’m harder on myself as a consequence, punishing myself for perceived moral failures that most won’t think twice by.
But advantages I’m living much more consciously day to day. I choose life, day to day. Everything I do, I do with intent and meaning. You’re much more thankful for what you have when you force yourself to admit things aren’t as bad as you think they are.
People rarely suspect this, now. Only a few people guess that I’m actually a lot more introspective and dour then I let on, as my cheery, sales guy front is incredibly effective.
But yeah. passive thoughts like this can be tiresome. It takes work to beat them.
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PaulGAckerman
I was slowly killing myself for years after learning my wife cheated on me. In January 2021 I developed an ulcer on my foot caused by uncontrolled diabetes. While in the hospital I promised myself that I didn't want to die and committed myself to permanently getting healthy. Three years later I'm happily single. My diabetes is gone (my A1C is 5. 3, I've lost 120 pounds in 11 months, and I will have weight loss surgery in 2 months. My highest recorded weight was 554 pounds in 2013. I don't know if that was my heaviest because when you are my size, you don't want to know how much you weigh. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you can change your life and get healthy. If I can do it, anyone can. Just promise yourself that you want to live and get healthy. Then make small but deliberate changes you can live with permanently. Don't criticize yourself for where you are right now. And don't beat yourself up if you don't stick to your plan all the time. We're all human and make mistakes. Think of the work you are doing to become healthier as a gift to future you. And most importantly, this soon to be no longer fat, 54 year-old believes in you and knows you can do it!
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I was slowly killing myself for years after learning my wife cheated on me. In January 2021 I developed an ulcer on my foot caused by uncontrolled diabetes. While in the hospital I promised myself that I didn't want to die and committed myself to permanently getting healthy. Three years later I'm happily single. My diabetes is gone (my A1C is 5. 3, I've lost 120 pounds in 11 months, and I will have weight loss surgery in 2 months. My highest recorded weight was 554 pounds in 2013. I don't know if that was my heaviest because when you are my size, you don't want to know how much you weigh. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you can change your life and get healthy. If I can do it, anyone can. Just promise yourself that you want to live and get healthy. Then make small but deliberate changes you can live with permanently. Don't criticize yourself for where you are right now. And don't beat yourself up if you don't stick to your plan all the time. We're all human and make mistakes. Think of the work you are doing to become healthier as a gift to future you. And most importantly, this soon to be no longer fat, 54 year-old believes in you and knows you can do it!
reply
sp4cef0rc37
Since. I'd say summer, I had stronger and stronger suicidal thoughts. First it was simply me just considering suicide as something that might happen if my life goes too far downhill, and I got familiar with it as I played both DDLC and Omori in that period. In the meantime I've been having lots of troubles to focus, I probably eat slightly less (I'm low on iron that's for sure) and my darker thoughts are more present. It's been a year since I've started expressing these feelings through a story that kind of connects to my depressive attitude. I lost the rythm with school, and I keep spending time on the Internet. Six months ago I knew suicide was one of the potential ways out for me, now I don't expect that much to reach 30 years of age (I'm 14) and in my darker moments I can't help imagining me stabbing myself, and again, and again, I keep having this image, to the point that I almost crave a blade in my body but I can still control myself enough to not do that. There's still stuff I want to do but only limited time until reality catches back and I trip, I crash, I fall, I lose, I die.
Wow. That was both painful and liberating at the same time.
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Since. I'd say summer, I had stronger and stronger suicidal thoughts. First it was simply me just considering suicide as something that might happen if my life goes too far downhill, and I got familiar with it as I played both DDLC and Omori in that period. In the meantime I've been having lots of troubles to focus, I probably eat slightly less (I'm low on iron that's for sure) and my darker thoughts are more present. It's been a year since I've started expressing these feelings through a story that kind of connects to my depressive attitude. I lost the rythm with school, and I keep spending time on the Internet. Six months ago I knew suicide was one of the potential ways out for me, now I don't expect that much to reach 30 years of age (I'm 14) and in my darker moments I can't help imagining me stabbing myself, and again, and again, I keep having this image, to the point that I almost crave a blade in my body but I can still control myself enough to not do that. There's still stuff I want to do but only limited time until reality catches back and I trip, I crash, I fall, I lose, I die.
Wow. That was both painful and liberating at the same time.
reply
gulagbatman1318
Whoever is struggling with this, please read:
You do care about things, yourself, and your loved ones. You just can't really feel it at the moment because of the bad things that happened. You are not weak. The pain is unbearable and numbing. So be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up, dismiss, or invalidate yourself, or your feelings. For feeling these emotions. You're allowed too feel that way. Something upsetting happened to you, of course you'd be upset. From the lower threshold like when others make you feel bad, to the horrific cases of abuse. It's not irrational for you to feel bad. So be kind to yourself. For now, it's important that you stay alive, until you feel ready to get help.
You have something you've always wanted to do. Me too. That has value to you because you have value.
Just remember, the hardest part is doing it alone, so don't. Your life is worth fighting for. Get help, and just talk about it. Nothing more, nothing less.
reply
Whoever is struggling with this, please read:
You do care about things, yourself, and your loved ones. You just can't really feel it at the moment because of the bad things that happened. You are not weak. The pain is unbearable and numbing. So be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up, dismiss, or invalidate yourself, or your feelings. For feeling these emotions. You're allowed too feel that way. Something upsetting happened to you, of course you'd be upset. From the lower threshold like when others make you feel bad, to the horrific cases of abuse. It's not irrational for you to feel bad. So be kind to yourself. For now, it's important that you stay alive, until you feel ready to get help.
You have something you've always wanted to do. Me too. That has value to you because you have value.
Just remember, the hardest part is doing it alone, so don't. Your life is worth fighting for. Get help, and just talk about it. Nothing more, nothing less.
reply
AngryZukoHere
This is something I've experienced since I was about 5 years old. I started to become depressed at a very young age, and this caused a lot of mental issues. For me, I became very reserved and closed in, because I felt like nobody cared. If I was gone, everyone would still be able to go on in their life without me. I had horrible thoughts of doing bad things to myself and other people, and I became scared of myself, and to be honest, I still am scared of myself. I always try to look for these things in others as well, because ever since I experienced this, I had an overwhelming urge to help people. I tried to look for these things in my friends, family, strangers, even celebrities, because I was so desperate to help and to know what was going on. I think I've gotten better, but I still experience some of these things daily.
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This is something I've experienced since I was about 5 years old. I started to become depressed at a very young age, and this caused a lot of mental issues. For me, I became very reserved and closed in, because I felt like nobody cared. If I was gone, everyone would still be able to go on in their life without me. I had horrible thoughts of doing bad things to myself and other people, and I became scared of myself, and to be honest, I still am scared of myself. I always try to look for these things in others as well, because ever since I experienced this, I had an overwhelming urge to help people. I tried to look for these things in my friends, family, strangers, even celebrities, because I was so desperate to help and to know what was going on. I think I've gotten better, but I still experience some of these things daily.
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Magpie_Thistle
I’m going through a lot right now. I’ve always been emotionally strong but recently I’ve been emotionally unstable and easy to upset. About a week ago, I was trying to remove some nail polish, I was running my fingers under water after soaking them in some nail polish remover and I thought, I wonder how long it would take me to die if I drank some of the nail polish remover It was scary and I immediately pushed that thought away. I’m planning to tell my therapist the next time I see her. I’m lucky to have friends and a boyfriend who remind me of what the future has in store and I can start with a clean slate. Your videos are so amazing and helpful, even when the topic is embarrassing or heavy, I know that if I watch it, I’ll learn something new.
reply
I’m going through a lot right now. I’ve always been emotionally strong but recently I’ve been emotionally unstable and easy to upset. About a week ago, I was trying to remove some nail polish, I was running my fingers under water after soaking them in some nail polish remover and I thought, I wonder how long it would take me to die if I drank some of the nail polish remover It was scary and I immediately pushed that thought away. I’m planning to tell my therapist the next time I see her. I’m lucky to have friends and a boyfriend who remind me of what the future has in store and I can start with a clean slate. Your videos are so amazing and helpful, even when the topic is embarrassing or heavy, I know that if I watch it, I’ll learn something new.
reply
badwolf6065
So I'm 27, I've never had the actual guts to take my own life, I don't have a terminal diagnosis.
But for the longest time ever probably since I was a teenager, I've been planning my own funeral. I know everything I want at it, the music, food, colour theme, everything.
I even went to a funeral directors a couple months ago and actively started paying and planning it.
I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. I don't know if it's the constant imagining of people's reactions when they see my funeral notice go up or when they hear I'm dead but I cant stop.
I know it's incredibly selfish to wish this but I've always secretly wished for a terminal diagnosis so I have a way out in which nobody blames themselves.
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So I'm 27, I've never had the actual guts to take my own life, I don't have a terminal diagnosis.
But for the longest time ever probably since I was a teenager, I've been planning my own funeral. I know everything I want at it, the music, food, colour theme, everything.
I even went to a funeral directors a couple months ago and actively started paying and planning it.
I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. I don't know if it's the constant imagining of people's reactions when they see my funeral notice go up or when they hear I'm dead but I cant stop.
I know it's incredibly selfish to wish this but I've always secretly wished for a terminal diagnosis so I have a way out in which nobody blames themselves.
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MegaManNeo
I threw away any dream or idea for the future when I finished with puberty.
Maybe it was my host parent's strict ideas of life and that one has to make up plans and ideas well in advance which I felt pressured from even in school when work experiences became topic.
When my mom died shortly before the pandemic however and I wasn't allowed to take anything from her belongings - not even photo albums or plushies from my childhood - the idea of everything I do is meaningless and a waste of time and energy grew on me.
Would I say it's just enough to push me into the idea of ending my life No, I enjoy my hobbies and life too much for that, however, it certainly weakened me blocking such thoughts.
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I threw away any dream or idea for the future when I finished with puberty.
Maybe it was my host parent's strict ideas of life and that one has to make up plans and ideas well in advance which I felt pressured from even in school when work experiences became topic.
When my mom died shortly before the pandemic however and I wasn't allowed to take anything from her belongings - not even photo albums or plushies from my childhood - the idea of everything I do is meaningless and a waste of time and energy grew on me.
Would I say it's just enough to push me into the idea of ending my life No, I enjoy my hobbies and life too much for that, however, it certainly weakened me blocking such thoughts.
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JL15545
Sometimes I wonder how is it that so many guys out there are living life in easy mode, while I’m stuck on hard as if the universe has some kind of vendetta against me. Feels like the universe has singled me out for a string of unfortunate events, a perpetual cycle of bad luck while everyone else gets all the breaks. I honestly feel that I was born into the wrong universe, where I feel so out of place, like I don’t belong here. But then again, sometimes I’d like to think that maybe it's just life's way of throwing challenges our way, testing our resilience and perseverance. It's not easy, but sometimes the hardest journeys lead to the most meaningful destinations.
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Sometimes I wonder how is it that so many guys out there are living life in easy mode, while I’m stuck on hard as if the universe has some kind of vendetta against me. Feels like the universe has singled me out for a string of unfortunate events, a perpetual cycle of bad luck while everyone else gets all the breaks. I honestly feel that I was born into the wrong universe, where I feel so out of place, like I don’t belong here. But then again, sometimes I’d like to think that maybe it's just life's way of throwing challenges our way, testing our resilience and perseverance. It's not easy, but sometimes the hardest journeys lead to the most meaningful destinations.
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KT-4.
Alot of times i have thoughts of hurting myself or others, but i never plan to do anything to anyone. I'll just randomly start thinking about severly hurting or killing others or myself for no reason, i just get disinterested in almost everything in the moment. It's like in those moments, nothing really matters. But since i have control of my behaviours, i never act on my constant thoughts of violence against others. I been like this since the the 9th grade, my therapist just said it was normal to have suicidal thoughts at my age and given the trauma of the year prior. So yeah, just thought i'd vent since it partially applies
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Alot of times i have thoughts of hurting myself or others, but i never plan to do anything to anyone. I'll just randomly start thinking about severly hurting or killing others or myself for no reason, i just get disinterested in almost everything in the moment. It's like in those moments, nothing really matters. But since i have control of my behaviours, i never act on my constant thoughts of violence against others. I been like this since the the 9th grade, my therapist just said it was normal to have suicidal thoughts at my age and given the trauma of the year prior. So yeah, just thought i'd vent since it partially applies
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user-wo8vr1mf3x
Tw: VENT
I was kinda wondering why I get thoughts like this. My life is perfect and I should be happy, but I’m not. The week felt twice as long, and my mask is slipping. These are the kinds of suicidal thoughts I get, and this video was (unfortunately) relatable. Subconsciously, I do have a plan on how, but there is a little left in me that’s still fighting. Think of Last Hope by Paramore, or Content by Bo Burnham (this reflects my dark music taste) Or another could be Demons by Alec Benjamin, but I’m the one who saved myself. Basically, I can, and I have everything, but I don’t want to. Not yet
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Tw: VENT
I was kinda wondering why I get thoughts like this. My life is perfect and I should be happy, but I’m not. The week felt twice as long, and my mask is slipping. These are the kinds of suicidal thoughts I get, and this video was (unfortunately) relatable. Subconsciously, I do have a plan on how, but there is a little left in me that’s still fighting. Think of Last Hope by Paramore, or Content by Bo Burnham (this reflects my dark music taste) Or another could be Demons by Alec Benjamin, but I’m the one who saved myself. Basically, I can, and I have everything, but I don’t want to. Not yet
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scottcassidy9029
I see it in my patients as missing appointments, not taking their medications, continuing to smoke despite slowly losing a leg from vascular disease, delaying coming in with gangrenous wounds, refusing preventive measures such as colonoscopy to remove polyps and prevent cancer, ignoring breast masses, etc. Passive suicide shows itself as giving up. They often seem despondent and getting them to interact is difficult. They frequently have little to no family or friends to help them. All of these are warning signs and their physicians need to ask if this is a means of subtle self harm.
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I see it in my patients as missing appointments, not taking their medications, continuing to smoke despite slowly losing a leg from vascular disease, delaying coming in with gangrenous wounds, refusing preventive measures such as colonoscopy to remove polyps and prevent cancer, ignoring breast masses, etc. Passive suicide shows itself as giving up. They often seem despondent and getting them to interact is difficult. They frequently have little to no family or friends to help them. All of these are warning signs and their physicians need to ask if this is a means of subtle self harm.
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squigglyco
I’ve definitely had moments of extremely passive suicide ideation without a doubt this is validating tho for me because I didn’t believe that it was that bad for me because my chaos was waged internally mostly. or do it seemed. When to comes to high functioning or anything that’s internally hurting the chaos it creates is less straightforward but nevertheless still in affect. It’s just masks it more confusing why it’s happening and where it’s coming from with adds a whole new layer to things. Anyways this was very validating for me so thank you one again phsych2go
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I’ve definitely had moments of extremely passive suicide ideation without a doubt this is validating tho for me because I didn’t believe that it was that bad for me because my chaos was waged internally mostly. or do it seemed. When to comes to high functioning or anything that’s internally hurting the chaos it creates is less straightforward but nevertheless still in affect. It’s just masks it more confusing why it’s happening and where it’s coming from with adds a whole new layer to things. Anyways this was very validating for me so thank you one again phsych2go
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psych2go
I don't want to admit to myself or anyone but I feel like life is a burden and I'm in a massive debt. Having someone to see my dead body. change my recorded status to deceased, becoming a part of the statistics will inadvertently cause the world to become worse. We all are very connected in a basic level even if it doesn't seem so. That's all the reason I am not going to end it. It's burdening and I wish that I someday lose either the ability to understand my impact on the world and end it or get my will back.
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I don't want to admit to myself or anyone but I feel like life is a burden and I'm in a massive debt. Having someone to see my dead body. change my recorded status to deceased, becoming a part of the statistics will inadvertently cause the world to become worse. We all are very connected in a basic level even if it doesn't seem so. That's all the reason I am not going to end it. It's burdening and I wish that I someday lose either the ability to understand my impact on the world and end it or get my will back.
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dontdodrugstoo
Idk y but I've struggled with things like this all the time and when I tried asking my mom for help she just shrugged it off and said it's just hormones and started talking about female anatomy like I went to the doctors bc I was cutting and they said that if I do it again I'll go to a mental hospital for 42 hours and I still do it and I feel super guilty I hate that I feel bad and I haven't been productive or taking care of myself at all I'm just sitting around wishing I was dead I need to change fr.
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Idk y but I've struggled with things like this all the time and when I tried asking my mom for help she just shrugged it off and said it's just hormones and started talking about female anatomy like I went to the doctors bc I was cutting and they said that if I do it again I'll go to a mental hospital for 42 hours and I still do it and I feel super guilty I hate that I feel bad and I haven't been productive or taking care of myself at all I'm just sitting around wishing I was dead I need to change fr.
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CatoTato
I don’t really think I’m suc1c1dal’ but sometimes I feel as if I’m trying to escape being stuck in this game where sometimes I feel myself sorta zoning out and it feels like my attention’s being dragged away from a device, but then I fall back into this realm I swear I notice myself unconsciously watching an animation/ funny video and I’ll basically steal their personality for a day and then go on the internet to find another personality =
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I don’t really think I’m suc1c1dal’ but sometimes I feel as if I’m trying to escape being stuck in this game where sometimes I feel myself sorta zoning out and it feels like my attention’s being dragged away from a device, but then I fall back into this realm I swear I notice myself unconsciously watching an animation/ funny video and I’ll basically steal their personality for a day and then go on the internet to find another personality =
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j. paulm. 1575
Didn't exhibit these signs specifically, but for a brief period a few months ago, passive suicide ideation nearly got me. What it felt like was being at peace. Death was coming for me, and soon it would all be over. My instincts overrode my judgement and I sent one last text in the group chat and the response changed everything. While I may be exaggerating it given that these signs aren't familiar, I can say I was definitely on that road.
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Didn't exhibit these signs specifically, but for a brief period a few months ago, passive suicide ideation nearly got me. What it felt like was being at peace. Death was coming for me, and soon it would all be over. My instincts overrode my judgement and I sent one last text in the group chat and the response changed everything. While I may be exaggerating it given that these signs aren't familiar, I can say I was definitely on that road.
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user-of3vw9wq4b
Sometimes I need these reminders for myself, but I also wish I remembered these for my relatives. I’ve had two teenage relatives attempt this week and I think I’ve processed it as trauma. I cannot bare to look at their pictures anymore right now. I partially blame myself for not being there for them enough, but I need to not be so hard on myself. Hopefully the future will be better for my family and I and for everyone here too.
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Sometimes I need these reminders for myself, but I also wish I remembered these for my relatives. I’ve had two teenage relatives attempt this week and I think I’ve processed it as trauma. I cannot bare to look at their pictures anymore right now. I partially blame myself for not being there for them enough, but I need to not be so hard on myself. Hopefully the future will be better for my family and I and for everyone here too.
reply
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