Signs You Have A Fear of Abandonment, Not Just LONELY
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Date: 2024-01-28
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Comments and reviews: 20
laine_s
Regardless of how much my mom told/tells me how much she loves me and that I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, it couldn’t overcome the damage that my father did in leaving us when I was one. Decades later, I’ll still buy the last stuffed animal on the shelf because it looks lonely, and I can’t bear the thought of it being thrown in a compactor somewhere.
On a related note, watching the Velveteen Rabbit when I was four did NOT help my fear of abandonment; it only reinforced it. It only caused me to hide every toy I had for fear that mine would be taken and burned up, too. I didn’t dare bring any out to play with for fear they’d be abandoned, too. It was only when my mom had a day off from work and asked me where all my toys were that the waterworks started and I explained what I did. It was only when my mom reassured me that she wouldn’t throw them away that I showed her where I’d hidden them and she helped me carry them all back out to use again.
On a final note, I realize that many children’s tales are decades if not centuries old, but maybe reconsider exposing your anxious child to them. Abandonment and child abuse are themes often found in Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Snow White, Bambi, Old Yeller, etc. I’m not saying that those stories, movies, etc, should be banned or that anyone’s bad or wrong for sharing them with their children - it’s not my place and I’m anti-censorship. I am saying, though, that perhaps people who know their child’s personality may want to consider how a young child might internalize something distressing, and hold off on showing that entertainment to the child til he or she is older, or watch / listen with the child to explain confusing things, or at least CASUALLY talk about the movie, book, etc, with the child to see how they felt about it and clear up any misconceptions.
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Regardless of how much my mom told/tells me how much she loves me and that I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, it couldn’t overcome the damage that my father did in leaving us when I was one. Decades later, I’ll still buy the last stuffed animal on the shelf because it looks lonely, and I can’t bear the thought of it being thrown in a compactor somewhere.
On a related note, watching the Velveteen Rabbit when I was four did NOT help my fear of abandonment; it only reinforced it. It only caused me to hide every toy I had for fear that mine would be taken and burned up, too. I didn’t dare bring any out to play with for fear they’d be abandoned, too. It was only when my mom had a day off from work and asked me where all my toys were that the waterworks started and I explained what I did. It was only when my mom reassured me that she wouldn’t throw them away that I showed her where I’d hidden them and she helped me carry them all back out to use again.
On a final note, I realize that many children’s tales are decades if not centuries old, but maybe reconsider exposing your anxious child to them. Abandonment and child abuse are themes often found in Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Snow White, Bambi, Old Yeller, etc. I’m not saying that those stories, movies, etc, should be banned or that anyone’s bad or wrong for sharing them with their children - it’s not my place and I’m anti-censorship. I am saying, though, that perhaps people who know their child’s personality may want to consider how a young child might internalize something distressing, and hold off on showing that entertainment to the child til he or she is older, or watch / listen with the child to explain confusing things, or at least CASUALLY talk about the movie, book, etc, with the child to see how they felt about it and clear up any misconceptions.
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strangeosyndro272
Abandonment for me stems from a deeper fear that my trauma was my fault amd it really wasn't. The internal dialogue of I'm too damaged for love or, Eventually they'll leave me so damned if i do open up damned if i don't. When you catch feelings for someone internal dialogue like, I have to get this right or I have to prove i love them and keep doing it Stop. Whilst I'm not saying you shouldn't work on your relationships, remember it's a two person effort. The onus isn't solely on you to prove anything or to make things work. It's on both you and your partner. Your love and kindness because you've been abused, suffered abandonment etc is enough because you mean it and anyone with a big heart themselves woll see that but don't take you both on your shoulders. You'll break your back and adults resent being treated like porcelain dolls because we are independent individuals. Try to remember to not carry their baggage and yours or expect them to do the same. You're not a crutch nor are they. Speaking as someone who knows how bad abandonment issues can become i know its hard. Take it easy, remind yourself everyday that you are enough and keep going. It does get easier. The hard part os reminding yourself every single day and treating yourself with yhe same love and care you want if you're single. Even in a relationship as well. Oh and one more thing if you get locked into an abandonment fugue state when a trigger hits, try to challenge the negative thoughts and remind yourself, No it wasn't my fault. I'm not perfect, Who is and above all, Depression look i know you're actually a defence mechanism designed to protect me originally but you're gone overboard. I'm ok. Quiet down now. You too Anxiety. I appreciate you too but I'm fine. I'll be fine.
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Abandonment for me stems from a deeper fear that my trauma was my fault amd it really wasn't. The internal dialogue of I'm too damaged for love or, Eventually they'll leave me so damned if i do open up damned if i don't. When you catch feelings for someone internal dialogue like, I have to get this right or I have to prove i love them and keep doing it Stop. Whilst I'm not saying you shouldn't work on your relationships, remember it's a two person effort. The onus isn't solely on you to prove anything or to make things work. It's on both you and your partner. Your love and kindness because you've been abused, suffered abandonment etc is enough because you mean it and anyone with a big heart themselves woll see that but don't take you both on your shoulders. You'll break your back and adults resent being treated like porcelain dolls because we are independent individuals. Try to remember to not carry their baggage and yours or expect them to do the same. You're not a crutch nor are they. Speaking as someone who knows how bad abandonment issues can become i know its hard. Take it easy, remind yourself everyday that you are enough and keep going. It does get easier. The hard part os reminding yourself every single day and treating yourself with yhe same love and care you want if you're single. Even in a relationship as well. Oh and one more thing if you get locked into an abandonment fugue state when a trigger hits, try to challenge the negative thoughts and remind yourself, No it wasn't my fault. I'm not perfect, Who is and above all, Depression look i know you're actually a defence mechanism designed to protect me originally but you're gone overboard. I'm ok. Quiet down now. You too Anxiety. I appreciate you too but I'm fine. I'll be fine.
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forgesoulfire1320
Funny enough I can say I have that when it comes to investing in relationships. Romantic or otherwise. But on the whole, a painfully depressive realization came to me that's made the idea pretty easy to cope with. The painful reality on a fear of abandonment when the worry is fueled by not being able to get right for all the various people you would like to keep in your life is (remember this was one brought about by an absolutely devastating level of depression so bare with it there's alot of regurgitating of encouragement here I know. What are you honestly going to be able to do about it Honestly, you're just one person and only you know what your limits are, only you have to be you, just the same as you have to be enough for you, on top of that takers never know when to stop taking and you have to know when to stop giving so you can keep being enough for you. Beyond that, let them deal with their shiet while you keep dealing with yours. It doesn't make you a bad person to know your limits as you're working on yourself. so really, if they all left and supposedly abandoned you. What really could you do about it, without sacrificing more of yourself
In the end, when and where were you told you absolutely had to live up to others beliefs of you or standards for you
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Funny enough I can say I have that when it comes to investing in relationships. Romantic or otherwise. But on the whole, a painfully depressive realization came to me that's made the idea pretty easy to cope with. The painful reality on a fear of abandonment when the worry is fueled by not being able to get right for all the various people you would like to keep in your life is (remember this was one brought about by an absolutely devastating level of depression so bare with it there's alot of regurgitating of encouragement here I know. What are you honestly going to be able to do about it Honestly, you're just one person and only you know what your limits are, only you have to be you, just the same as you have to be enough for you, on top of that takers never know when to stop taking and you have to know when to stop giving so you can keep being enough for you. Beyond that, let them deal with their shiet while you keep dealing with yours. It doesn't make you a bad person to know your limits as you're working on yourself. so really, if they all left and supposedly abandoned you. What really could you do about it, without sacrificing more of yourself
In the end, when and where were you told you absolutely had to live up to others beliefs of you or standards for you
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wariods3588
Pretty sure I have or at least had severe abandonment issues, one sad effect of that was that I pretty much ruined a few friendships over it. Had a period where I was really clingy and desperate for some degree of normalcy. This was after going through my parents divorce as well as almost losing both in a homicide incident. One of the worst things was that no one ever took the time to try and explain, try and make things make sense. Didn't help either that the parent I had left also didn't talk or try and explain anything, neither did their next partner (my stepdad seemed to give even less sh! 1 than my mother.
Lastly, neither the school nor social services or healthcare seemed to want to do anything despite being involved.
This wasn't something that happened recently, happened way back in the mid/late 90s.
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Pretty sure I have or at least had severe abandonment issues, one sad effect of that was that I pretty much ruined a few friendships over it. Had a period where I was really clingy and desperate for some degree of normalcy. This was after going through my parents divorce as well as almost losing both in a homicide incident. One of the worst things was that no one ever took the time to try and explain, try and make things make sense. Didn't help either that the parent I had left also didn't talk or try and explain anything, neither did their next partner (my stepdad seemed to give even less sh! 1 than my mother.
Lastly, neither the school nor social services or healthcare seemed to want to do anything despite being involved.
This wasn't something that happened recently, happened way back in the mid/late 90s.
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purpleserenity137
1: 45 - People with a fear of abandonment can also have a disorganized attachment style, which is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment. You have no problem with engaging and talking to people, you would like a relationship with others but that underlying trauma makes it difficult to connect. On one hand, you may feel anxious as you don't want to be abandoned by people, so you keep asking for reassurance or try to be perfect to ensure that people like you. On the other hand, you want to be avoidant in relationships as you don't want to experience that pain again. so, you try to keep people at arm's length as you feel like you can only trust yourself and can only be independent on yourself.
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1: 45 - People with a fear of abandonment can also have a disorganized attachment style, which is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment. You have no problem with engaging and talking to people, you would like a relationship with others but that underlying trauma makes it difficult to connect. On one hand, you may feel anxious as you don't want to be abandoned by people, so you keep asking for reassurance or try to be perfect to ensure that people like you. On the other hand, you want to be avoidant in relationships as you don't want to experience that pain again. so, you try to keep people at arm's length as you feel like you can only trust yourself and can only be independent on yourself.
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victorialaing4227
I think maybe a person may have a fear of abandonment if they were abandoned in the past. Fictional people that come to mind are spinel from Steven universe and collector from the owl house. They both were abandoned and betrayed by those they loved and believed were their best friend. Pink diamond abandoned Spinel, Belos and collectors siblings betrayed him and King abandoned him. It may be easy to fear of being abandoned when people you were close to abandoned you in the past. It would be especially hard for collector from the owl house because he is just a little child. And little kids like him probably need a lot more love and attention and the need to feel secure more than a teenager or an adult
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I think maybe a person may have a fear of abandonment if they were abandoned in the past. Fictional people that come to mind are spinel from Steven universe and collector from the owl house. They both were abandoned and betrayed by those they loved and believed were their best friend. Pink diamond abandoned Spinel, Belos and collectors siblings betrayed him and King abandoned him. It may be easy to fear of being abandoned when people you were close to abandoned you in the past. It would be especially hard for collector from the owl house because he is just a little child. And little kids like him probably need a lot more love and attention and the need to feel secure more than a teenager or an adult
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listentothelawww
When I was a little boy I believe I suffered from separation anxiety. I cried and always had an overwhelming sense of fear whenever I went to school. My father attributed it to me being a Mama's boy but I knew it was something different. There have been times now as an old man I still get the feelings when my wife goes to work or dropping my son off at school, I would get those same feelings and the redness and emotion would make my eyes well up with tears. My aunt took me to see a movie that had come out in the theaters around the same time I started school and after I saw it I didn't cry at school anymore. It was the 3rd MadMax movie. I watch it whenever I feel the world pushing down on me.
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When I was a little boy I believe I suffered from separation anxiety. I cried and always had an overwhelming sense of fear whenever I went to school. My father attributed it to me being a Mama's boy but I knew it was something different. There have been times now as an old man I still get the feelings when my wife goes to work or dropping my son off at school, I would get those same feelings and the redness and emotion would make my eyes well up with tears. My aunt took me to see a movie that had come out in the theaters around the same time I started school and after I saw it I didn't cry at school anymore. It was the 3rd MadMax movie. I watch it whenever I feel the world pushing down on me.
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user-nf3qp1qd6y
genuine question here: i'm in a moral dilemma. to keep it short, i have a friend with bpd and i'm their favorite person. it's emotionally draining for me to have their happiness rely on how much attention i give them when it's physically impossible. it's to the point where they've had breakdowns and episodes from this. we've been friends for awhile and i've talked to them repeatedly about this and they've yet to change. there's no support system for them which is why i feel like an asshole for wanting to leave. i adore them dearly, but i really cannot handle this friendship anymore. in fact, it feels more like a therapist-patient relationship.
any advice will help. thank you.
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genuine question here: i'm in a moral dilemma. to keep it short, i have a friend with bpd and i'm their favorite person. it's emotionally draining for me to have their happiness rely on how much attention i give them when it's physically impossible. it's to the point where they've had breakdowns and episodes from this. we've been friends for awhile and i've talked to them repeatedly about this and they've yet to change. there's no support system for them which is why i feel like an asshole for wanting to leave. i adore them dearly, but i really cannot handle this friendship anymore. in fact, it feels more like a therapist-patient relationship.
any advice will help. thank you.
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warrison08
Just wanted to share this for those who feel alone or abandoned
I didn't had any friends since last 4 years and questioned myself that is it a problem or a curse to be an introvert I started becoming suicidal and started thinking that life isn't worth this pain and struggle.
But I found that introvertion is not curse but a gift and even after all that the nature and the universe is always there reminding me that I not alone. I never was. And I would never be alone.
And if you feel alone you could always come here to share your emotions cuz we feel that sadness and don't want others to suffer that sadness too
Hope this helps you and have good day (and night too)
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Just wanted to share this for those who feel alone or abandoned
I didn't had any friends since last 4 years and questioned myself that is it a problem or a curse to be an introvert I started becoming suicidal and started thinking that life isn't worth this pain and struggle.
But I found that introvertion is not curse but a gift and even after all that the nature and the universe is always there reminding me that I not alone. I never was. And I would never be alone.
And if you feel alone you could always come here to share your emotions cuz we feel that sadness and don't want others to suffer that sadness too
Hope this helps you and have good day (and night too)
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Dust473
Thx for explaining this topic! It know feels more understandable. I dont have it but now can understand it better. I also didnt know that a mix of anxious & avoidant attachement style can lead to wanting connection & keeping someone at arms lenght simultaniously. This can be very difficult as the love you want to give may be received but simultaniously the person is out of reach. I can say for my part that i would never let my partner down despite if i'm currently busy. I would show my love. And give them my attention. However, everyone still has their own life. But you can still be very connected. I loved the animation of bluey & psy
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Thx for explaining this topic! It know feels more understandable. I dont have it but now can understand it better. I also didnt know that a mix of anxious & avoidant attachement style can lead to wanting connection & keeping someone at arms lenght simultaniously. This can be very difficult as the love you want to give may be received but simultaniously the person is out of reach. I can say for my part that i would never let my partner down despite if i'm currently busy. I would show my love. And give them my attention. However, everyone still has their own life. But you can still be very connected. I loved the animation of bluey & psy
reply
peonyhanabashi
Yup, that's me. That's why I slave myself when I'm stressed, because I'm terrified of being abandoned or even casted out if I'm no longer of use. I know that it's wrong and it's not productive and I'm working to break this pattern. It's just. My mom always threatend me to give me to my dad (he wasn't bad or a danger, I just should have go to live with him but as a child it felt like a bad thing) if I wouldn't act accordingly to her demands. I always felt like I had to earn my place. Now as an adult I know that she would never let me go. She just wanted to keep me obedient.
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Yup, that's me. That's why I slave myself when I'm stressed, because I'm terrified of being abandoned or even casted out if I'm no longer of use. I know that it's wrong and it's not productive and I'm working to break this pattern. It's just. My mom always threatend me to give me to my dad (he wasn't bad or a danger, I just should have go to live with him but as a child it felt like a bad thing) if I wouldn't act accordingly to her demands. I always felt like I had to earn my place. Now as an adult I know that she would never let me go. She just wanted to keep me obedient.
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JL15545
I remember a joke I heard when I was a kid and it went like: Three guys were stranded on an island. They all connected and had many great memories. One day they found a genie bottle. The first two wished to be back home with their families and so their wishes were granted and were back home. The third guy started crying and the genie asked why he was crying. He then said he missed those two friends and wished they were back on the island with him. This joke was funny back then but now it hits differently as it feels somewhat relatable.
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I remember a joke I heard when I was a kid and it went like: Three guys were stranded on an island. They all connected and had many great memories. One day they found a genie bottle. The first two wished to be back home with their families and so their wishes were granted and were back home. The third guy started crying and the genie asked why he was crying. He then said he missed those two friends and wished they were back on the island with him. This joke was funny back then but now it hits differently as it feels somewhat relatable.
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stealthpsych0
Are there any alternatives for help outside of profesionals or a partner
I don't have a partner and the fear of abandonment doesn't make finding one realistic.
And with my past experiences with them i have zero trust in therapist
When i was around 10 one just fell asleep when my mother and i were talking, when i was 17 one blatenly told my father about my suicidal thoughts when i didn't want him to know and others never really got close to helping the issue
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Are there any alternatives for help outside of profesionals or a partner
I don't have a partner and the fear of abandonment doesn't make finding one realistic.
And with my past experiences with them i have zero trust in therapist
When i was around 10 one just fell asleep when my mother and i were talking, when i was 17 one blatenly told my father about my suicidal thoughts when i didn't want him to know and others never really got close to helping the issue
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vrjuggernaut5216
ironically i just had a huge breakdown today with my future partner and she is right. that sometimes you have to break to heal. Break away from the pain and accecpt it. then heal. to anybodyu out there know you arent alone. dont let poeple influence who you are. be you. even if you think you shouldnt be you. be you. being truthful with your self is the first step to healing. so thank you and never forget you arent alone.
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ironically i just had a huge breakdown today with my future partner and she is right. that sometimes you have to break to heal. Break away from the pain and accecpt it. then heal. to anybodyu out there know you arent alone. dont let poeple influence who you are. be you. even if you think you shouldnt be you. be you. being truthful with your self is the first step to healing. so thank you and never forget you arent alone.
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psych2go
Exploring the video on abandonment and loneliness made me realize the significance of facing our fears and cultivating healthy relationships. Open communication is key in understanding our true needs, going beyond the unrealistic romantic ideals portrayed in movies or social media. Embracing vulnerability can lead to personal growth and genuine connections. Thanks for shedding light on these important aspects!
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Exploring the video on abandonment and loneliness made me realize the significance of facing our fears and cultivating healthy relationships. Open communication is key in understanding our true needs, going beyond the unrealistic romantic ideals portrayed in movies or social media. Embracing vulnerability can lead to personal growth and genuine connections. Thanks for shedding light on these important aspects!
reply
flamegamer3424
At one point, I did feel abandoned because I had no one to talk to. I mean I have my family, but we don’t do much in terms of having fun. Since late 2022, I slowly started to reunite with my old friends whom I’ve known for a long time and we’ve been hanging out almost regularly. I know my family is always there for me, and friends are willing to interact anytime.
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At one point, I did feel abandoned because I had no one to talk to. I mean I have my family, but we don’t do much in terms of having fun. Since late 2022, I slowly started to reunite with my old friends whom I’ve known for a long time and we’ve been hanging out almost regularly. I know my family is always there for me, and friends are willing to interact anytime.
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Fenyxclips
Gotten very lonely recently after spending time reflecting on the past. The need to be perfect so others wouldn't abandon wasn't healthy and when that wasn't followed, was abandoned (unsurprisingly. Finding peace in being alone but scared the only friends I have left will just up and leave one day. Can't even trust anyone either due to that being broken too many times.
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Gotten very lonely recently after spending time reflecting on the past. The need to be perfect so others wouldn't abandon wasn't healthy and when that wasn't followed, was abandoned (unsurprisingly. Finding peace in being alone but scared the only friends I have left will just up and leave one day. Can't even trust anyone either due to that being broken too many times.
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tgonfluffyg8395
I know for a fact what is a cause of fear of abandonment in me form my folks devoting shortly after moving across the country on top of other forms of punishment I’d gotten when I was little. At this point in my life it’s easier to just drive people away bc ik they are gonna go sooner or later so I’ll just show them the door sooner so it will hurt less
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I know for a fact what is a cause of fear of abandonment in me form my folks devoting shortly after moving across the country on top of other forms of punishment I’d gotten when I was little. At this point in my life it’s easier to just drive people away bc ik they are gonna go sooner or later so I’ll just show them the door sooner so it will hurt less
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artisticalex1206
I had to end a friendship in 7th grade due to this girl friending the girl who bullied me and since then I’ve always been scared of someone abandoning and betraying me. I’ve lost a lot of friendships these past few years, either they choose to not talk to me anymore or move away abd it hurts because it’s always the ones that I was super close to.
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I had to end a friendship in 7th grade due to this girl friending the girl who bullied me and since then I’ve always been scared of someone abandoning and betraying me. I’ve lost a lot of friendships these past few years, either they choose to not talk to me anymore or move away abd it hurts because it’s always the ones that I was super close to.
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user-lc8qs1pb3y
My friend Marissa is very anxious attachments. I had all these happen, but achieved them through extended loved ones. My best substitute parents were Tom and Katzia Nesteranko. Also Bonnie Edulblute was like a Mother, her son would have been my age when I was 22. It seems like therapy has made me worse, but hopefully some day better. Thank you.
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My friend Marissa is very anxious attachments. I had all these happen, but achieved them through extended loved ones. My best substitute parents were Tom and Katzia Nesteranko. Also Bonnie Edulblute was like a Mother, her son would have been my age when I was 22. It seems like therapy has made me worse, but hopefully some day better. Thank you.
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